The Curious Incident of the Rob in the Night-Time

So on Thursday night I left work reasonably late - past midnight - and I offered a coworker of mine a lift home, as he lives more or less on the way.

It’s around one in the morning, and I drop him off at his house and head back to get onto the road home. As I’m nearing a traffic light it turns yellow, so I pull up at the intersection.

I’m there for maybe 3 seconds when I notice a guy crossing the intersection and I think to myself, “man, that guy is really close to my car, I hope he doesn’t bump into it, I’ve just had it washed”, etc.

The guy gets to the front of my car, places his hands on the bonnet, looks me dead in the eye … and starts fucking my car.


He’s still clothed, mind you. But for a good five seconds or so he’s just dry-humping the front of my car, while staring straight into my soul the entire time.

Out of nowhere pops a second guy, who gets behind the first guy, grabs his hips and starts dry-humping the first guy.

Just to be clear, I’m parked at an intersection making prolonged eye contact with a man who is humping my car, placing all of his weight on my front bonnet, balancing his toes on the ground and just going to fucking town on my VW badge. Imagine his position vividly, because that’s important later.

At this point I notice that he’s with a group of people (he and this other guy just happened to be ahead of the rest of the group) and I can hear one guy yelling “no, no Rob, stop it mate, fucking stop!”

But Rob’s having none of it. Clearly drunk off his face, for the last 10–15 seconds he’s just been looking me dead in the eye as he pounds away at the front of my car.

You might wanna know what I did about that?

Without him noticing, I managed to put the car into reverse and put my foot down on the accelerator as hard as I could. All of this happened in less than two seconds; to his alcohol-riddled brain it was probably instant. I imagine the effect would be like what would happen if you were leaning on a table that suddenly ceased to exist.

His face smacks the bonnet as his arms quickly go from being vertical to horizontal and he learns a valuable lesson about gravity. He hits the ground in the most rapid transition from dominance to submission I’ve ever seen in my life. The guy dry-humping him tries to catch him, but realises he’s off-balance now too, so he drops the first guy in order to stumble a bit to save himself.

By this stage I’m now almost a whole block back. I hear the remainder of the group burst out with hysterical laughter as they run forward to pick him up and carry/drag him off the road.

The light turns green. As I drive back through the intersection, one of the guys from the group turns back, still laughing his ass off, and gives me a wave.

The handprints and subsequent face streak are still on the front of my car. I think I’ll keep them for a little while in memoriam of what is possibly the greatest thing I’ve ever achieved in my life.



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